Ammamma...We miss you.

My grand mother passed away...

Is there any word which could actually describe the pain I feel in losing her...I am lost for words..and I have lost her..

Death...I was acqainted with death only through the news paper and movies and news..It was just like as if part of life..Never had experienced it so close..What if my grand ma is 85 years old..who said it means that she has lived her life...she still had some dreams unfulfilled..I still cant believe that I will not be able to see her anymore..

My grandma...who has been supprotive of me from the time I could remember..Till the time I got married and settled..till then almost there has not been a week where I wouldnt have seen her...I am really at loss of words..what to write and what not to write...

why is it that suddenly the world seems so selfish..why is it at times we do not recognize our priorities and give values to those that doesnt matter...

How will I let her know that she meant a lot to me..and how is it going to help her in anyway..if I say it now..I couldnt find time to talk to her the last 2 weeks because of I was busy..busy at work...but in the end one soul who has needed me..to whom I could have brought some hope..has lost her life...and am here..sitting and writing about it..

Most of the time in our lives..the people whom we take for granted are the only people who had cared for us a lot and love us a lot..Because we knwo that they are going to love us anyway..we take them for granted and run behind those who either ignore us or who doesnt know the value of relationships.

I was watching ammamma...seeing her inside the glass pane..it was like..as if snowhite was lying down..I was so desperately looking at her..what if she suddenly winks her eyes.

or what if she moves or what if she shakes her legs..or what if she feels cold and what if she is still alive and dies becoz of breathlessness

so many thoughts..but she never moved..it felt as if she is lying down in peace...

Next day when I felt her..when I touched her hands....when I felt her face...it all felt so strange..

The rituals that followed..oh no.i dont even want to write about them......am not able to forget them..

Memories...memories are pleasant only when there is hope...Hope of meeting those whom we love..as long as it is there they are pleasant..the moment the hope ceases and when there is no hope..how could memories be pleasant ..They seem like burden to carry in heart..

If I close my eyes..I could see ammamma..walking towards me..the time I spent with her...arguing about things...taking her in auto...listening to her songs..stories..jokes and poems....How many stories she shared with me...some of them which seemed so intimate to her...she could share with me like a friend....and I was able to talk to her like a friend..There was no generation gap and nothing...And in the end when she needed me the most..I wasnt there with her...

And she has always been a role model..always taught me so many values in life..she has been there with me in Desure..where I was afraid she gave me the courage to go and face the work culture in bank ..whenever I felt lonely..becoz some friends hurted me or someone ignored me..she was there...to listen to me..and has told me that she has lived her life alone..facing everyone alone..and she gave me company..and now...am alone...and her death also has taught me something...

it feels now..as if people around us are selfish..including me...I dont knwo about others..btu I had been selfish..thinking about my famiily..my daughter my husband..my friends..my work...

and I didnt have time to think about a old lady who had given me support..And now on her death..when I needed someone who could hold me or who could understand me..I too had none....becoz everyone are busy...We are all busy..always..that we dont find time to let our dear ones know that WE CARE for them..we postpone it for tomorrow..we keep postponing it for tomorrow that we forget that some day we are also going to become old...and the tomorrow is never going to come..

I postponed seeing ammamma..in the end one day..one tomorrow made all the difference...The only good thing that happenned is I had called her up...I had called up my mom...and said I felt like talking to her..but she was sleeping..

And when she woke up she called me..the last 10 minutes..the last few words I spoke..it feels as if she knows..she is leaving..it was like farewell...she just said my dearest anitha...how is anannya..how is pavan..I love you..bless you and i am going to die..you please come..and what not...I cant write anymore..all I am left with is tears which are blocking my vision..

Ammamma..I miss you..we all miss you..I dont know if I ever will come out of the guilt of not seeing you..not taking you to hospital...I dont know if you would ever forgive me and if I ever have the right to ask forgiveness...

Ammamma...WE ALL LOVE YOU...and we are blessed that we were part of your life...

Miss you ammamma.. A LOT....miss you..

Wish you had waited just one more day ammamma....